⭓ Just Ranting #44

The past week hasn't been as bad! I'm sleeping a bit better. I'm trying to actively work on anything that is giving me any sort of tension right now: so if I make a movement and feel a tight muscle, I'll try to stretch it out right there and then. And I'm trying to work out all of the muscles that are doing the crazy tremoring, because maybe they are just weak muscles that got weak due to all sorts of tightness or pressures on my nerves. There are some tensions I've had for so long in random places that I'm trying to work on because I think everything is all connected. And I'm trying to do more of the deep tissue massage for myself using small tools.

The EMG test came back fine and he also did another test on my arm where he stuck needles in my arm to listen to the nerves or something like that. It came out fine too so it ruled out some types of nerve damage.

I'm trying to work on my anxiety because it's been bad the past few month.

⭓ Just Ranting #43

My new tremors still aren't going away, and a few times a week my sleep still gets ruined. Two nights ago it took me 3 hours to fall asleep and last night it took me 5 hours to fall asleep. It's midnight and I'm pretty tired but not sleepy so I'm dreading going to sleep. I'm gonna maybe stay up until 1am and hopefully I get more tired.

I think maybe my new tremors could just be super tight muscles around my shoulders or something - and maybe that could also be why my arms often go numb if I'm trying to fall asleep on my back. I did an EMG test and I'm going for a follow up soon but I doubt that'll reveal too much.

⭓ Just Ranting #42

THIS MONTH MARKS 2 YEARS OF TORTURE! Yaaaaaaay.

I feel like I'm just losing track of my symptoms all the time now and my mind just keeps trying to "erase" my memories of really bad weeks, so thinking back to them is sometimes difficult too.

The past two weeks my main issues are probably all of my various tremors, and my eye stuff. My visual issues are so bad right now, worse than ever I think. The photosensitivity is bad, and I keep seeing the inverted afterimages of things pretty much instantly, all the time. Yesterday I was taking down my shower curtain for like 5 miuntes and the bathroom light on the top left area got burned into my eyes. And the burn mark lasted for like 10 minutes afterwards.

I think the most uneasy parts are when a dot or blotch momentarily flashes right in the very center of my vision. Not even an afterimage, jsut random flashes. It keeps happening all the time but a while now. It just scares me because what if it becomes permanent?

The buzzing in my entire body has not stopped, along with weird types of bubbling sensations in my legs and especially feet. I still get all sorts of muscle spasms all throughout my body especially at night once I start to rest. I still get a random bubbling sensation in my back sometimes when getting up from bed after lying down (being on my laptop in bed).

At least I'm generally sleeping a bit better, not every night, but it was worse a few weeks ago where I was sooo sleep deprived.

I just feel like something definitely got messed up in my neck, something probably related to some nerves, and it's not exacly "resolving itself".

⭓ Just Ranting #41

So I think what I thought is recfent muscle atrophy in my neck, shoulders and arms area might actually be "Enhanced Physiological Tremors". I think that could make sense considering it's pretty crazy to think that my muscles could just atrophy in a few weeks out of nowhere. However, my sleep has been horrible for weeks due to my symptoms, so it's possible that it goes hand in hand. I'll know for sure once I start sleeping better again (then the shakiness might stop).

⭓ Just Ranting #40

Things aren't great lately. I've had a bad flare-up for weeks now that I think got triggered by me doing a bunch of exercises (I swear any time I do actual exercises, I get flare-ups...)

I had a super rough week last week where trying to fall asleep got so bad again, usually taking me 3 - 5 hours to fall asleep. Choking sensation is back for weeks and driving me insane some days, it makes me so agitated. I haven't been able to be upright as much lately in the evenings since things get really bad starting in the afternoon usually. The internal tremors, buzzing, twitching, etc. got insanely bad for weeks now. But on top of it I think I now have muscle atrophy in my neck and shoulder areas. Those muscles are extremely shaky when I do various maneuvers, and I keep noticing them more and more during motions like if I'm bending down to pick something up. The other day I even felt a bit of a "heavy head" feeling which I haven't really had before.

So yeah I'm really annoyed because it keeps ruining my days and my productivity.

My left leg hasn't been great lately (this leg started acting up a few months before my neck stuff) but both of my legs go crazy with weird buzzing feelings all night.

And no the dizziness has not gone away. FOREVER DIZZY. I've just found more ways to cope with it and I'm constantly finding ways to try to not have panic attacks (but I don't think I'll ever fully master that part...)

I'm going to the Doctor tomorrow to ask for some ENG test or something else. Maybe it is just a pinched nerve in my neck.

Oh and I do still get a lot of the "deep muscle itchiness" on and off. A couple weeks ago it was so bad. When it happens I can't even think straight or do anything on my computer.

⭓ Just Ranting #39

I'm so tired of all my symptoms, I don't even wanna write about them anymore. It's the same stuff that keeps coming back over and over again.

⭓ Just Ranting #38

Oerall things have sort of been the same-ish for the last few months but this past week my muscles flared up worse than they have in while. I have so many aches in my back, shoulders, and my occipitals are still hurting. Lots of pains when I poke into my neck (not sure if those ever went away). My tremors, spasms, and itchiness got really bad - it's been so long since it's been this bad. It's so distracting because it's like I got a bunch of mosquito bites deep in my muscles. I also got shooting pains in my neck again while trying to fall asleep so I had to take advil to bed again - been a while since that happened. So yeah, I'm just annoyed and not very productive lately.

⭓ Just ranting #37

Still sort of the same! Although I ruined my back for two weeks, and then my legs again for a week. I think maybe I'm just doing too much stuff all at once considering I just spent over a year mostly being in my bed. So yeah I have to gain all my strength and muscles back.

The dizziness is super bad lately but I've gotten a bit better at just.. accepting it? It's a little less "agitating" than before so maybe my brain is actually adjusting to being less triggered by it? I don't know. I really hope it doesn't take 6 years for that to go away.

And yeah my occipitals, especially the back right one that's been problematic for ages now, basically act up every 3 days or so and I have to keep massaing that area. If it gets too bad then I can barely walk since it shoots pains into m brain. But it's been a while since it got THAT bad, so for now I'm keeping the routine of massaging every few days once it starts shooting a bit of pains at me again.

⭓ Just Ranting #36

I've been mostly the same for the past few weeks, which is good news to me because I'm still able to walk around without being in any pain and torture. So I've been doing a lot! So much that I kinda of messed up my legs the past week and they started hurting so much. They're still achey even when I rested for a few days. My neck and muscles still have problems but hopefully I can work on it through massage. The suboccipitals at the back of my head on the right side are still problematic a little bit - I think maybe for a year now - so I don't expect them to heal overnight. But every now and then they still shoot pains at me or agigate me in weird ways, and then I try massaging them, which often triggers them a bit and I'm not sure if it's good or bad.

⭓ Just Ranting #35

Things have been overwhelming lately, but I've been physically able to do a lot more! I decided to have guests over at my apartment for a "girls hangout" and I haven't had guests over in like over a year so this was HUGE to me. I finally had to do more of a "deep clean" in my apartment which I've been wanting to do for so long but just couldn't. It was a lot of work, I was quite physically exhausted, and I didn't do as deep of a clean as I had hoped but it was super close and I'm so happy about it. Having a clean home feels so good.

I still don't feel anywhere near ready to try to "get a job" somewhere, but I do need more plans in my life to get out more now that I can. Maybe I'll volunteer somewhere. We'll see. I'm hoping I don't get any major setbacks again soon.

⭓ Just Ranting #34

I'm trying to arrange some sort of "deep tissue" massage for my neck. So far I keep getting ignored. :/

Also I switched doctors and she wanted to check my thyroid. Through the blood test we discovered my cholesterol is at astronomical levela and I likely have Familial Hypercholesterolemia. I had to change my diet overnight and I'll likely start on meds like statins soon, which sucks, because I'm already dealing with so many symptoms and the meds can ruin my neck "healing" progress - one of the potential side effects of the meds is actual muscle damage. And figuring out my new food plan and having to cook more is EXHAUSTING. I'm just so tired, I actually fantasize just moving in with my parents or grandma and just starting my life over in a way. Idk. I'm spending an insane amount of money on bills every month just to "live downtown Toronto" and I barely leave my house or bed, and now I'm making no money because of USA tarifs.

I just feel like I'm wasting my life away in so many ways right now.

⭓ Just Ranting #33

I'm finally a bit better in the past week. I can function way more and actually walk around more. I still rest a few times a day because I don't want to "overdo" anything by being upright the entire day. But I'm glad I can do more chores and clean more. I do want to exercise more beause I've lost all my muscle and gained a little bit of weight, but I'm also kinda scared because it's possible that my exercises sessions could have been hwat triggered my recent setback. But I don't know. Just gonna take things slow, again. Such a slow process...

⭓ Just Ranting #32

I think the "worst" is over when it comes to this new flareup/setback because I can finally walk more without wanting to die. The other day I could even sort of function until 5pm but then I still get all sorts of aches, tension and "deep itchiness" in all the muscles of the back of my head, and my neck and shoulders are really bad right now too. So I still have to keep going back into my bed or else once I've hit the "limit" of it, it starts to get really uncomfortable, shooting pains at me, and I start to feel that unberable agitation start to creep up. Usually being in bed can sort of "recharge" my muscles and let me be upright again for a while. Also I cut out caffeine because I feel like it makes the dizziness worse and I feel more panic attacks creeping up? Maybe. Alhough now I get intense afternoon fatigue where I feel like I'm falling asleep with my eyes open. Just can't win no matter what.

⭓ Just Ranting #31

Choking sensation has been annoying the past few days. It really just feels like I undid a bunch of progress ths past month. I'm so behind on everything in my life.

⭓ Just Ranting #30

It's been bad for weeks now and I can barely even more or walk. I get about 2 hours in the morning where the agitation is still mild and bearable, and then after that I'm in all sorts of tortures in my brain and occipitals and neck area, especially for any minute that I tilt my head downwards. And when I lay down, the tremors and muscle spasms are insane - feels like the whole head/neck/shoulder area is just throbbing and freaking out. Tying to "wait it out" but I might try some more self-massage or maybe stretches (I was previously going to avoid stretches and did strength exercises instead, now I wonder if that was the wrong choice. I feel like this is an endless loop.)